Biology

Warning: the content of this post might offend you.

When I was a teenager, one of my swim coaches was a very yuppie, proper, kind of guy. He never yelled, he never cursed , never swore. On one out of town trip, we’re on the bus, and one of the boys ripped off the stinkiest fart imaginable. Everyone was yelling and tossing things at him, laughing and covering their noses at the same time. Our coach was not amused, well, I bet inside, he was cracking up. But to us, he stood in front of us, ready to lecture. But it was a surprise when his lecture was not about not farting on the bus. But rather about the fact that we should use a euphemism for the word fart, instead of the word fart itself. He thought we should say fluff, a much kinder, gentler version of the word fart. This cracked us up even more. From then on, it was fluff.

As an adult who runs, bikes and swims, I’ve learned to deal with all kinds of biological functions during workouts.

Last night at the pool, I had a little gas, and I just wanted to fluff a little in the pool, but I kept wondering, if I do, will anyone deck know that those bubbles were coming from my fart, as opposed to just coming from some part of my swim stroke. And since I can’t see myself swim from up on the deck, I don’t know exactly what my bubble trail looks like. So, I held the fart, I mean fluff, until I left the pool. Snot is the second biggest problem in a pool. You really can’t stop it from running out of your nose. Pee is next. For some reason, getting in a pool makes a lot of people have to pee. Often. I fondly remember running into the bathroom for a quick pee break during workouts back in the day. It was the only way to ‘cheat’ a little, but not really cheat!

The bike is interesting. Snot runs most on the bike. I think because you’re usually colder on the bike, at least if you ride outside when its cold. If I could bottle all the snot I blow on bike rides and runs and sell it, I’d be rich! We joke about farting when we ride bikes. We joke about any biological function on bike rides. Randi almost always has to stop within the first 30 minutes for a pit stop. So she sprints ahead, drops trow, and goes where she can. We live where most of our riding is out in the booneys, so potty stops on the side of the road are not uncommon. Farting is also not uncommon. Riding on the trails is always good for jokes, who is riding behind the fartiest person that day? I ate beans for lunch, I better go last, yada yada yada. Plenty of stupid jokes.

Running is the worst for me. The snot runs here too, but I am an expert snot blower. And I’m also an excellent spitter, unless the weather is really cold or really hot, at which time, all the mucus and phlegm in my throat gets all thick and sticky and I spit, and it just sticks to my face. I don’t quite understand that phenomenon. Why is it only when its really cold or really hot when the mucus in my throat is especially annoying? And what is the difference between mucus and phlegm. I know I should look it up, but I don’t feel like it. Farting on the run is pretty common. I mostly run by myself, and I fart at will. When I do, I always glance around in the dark (because its almost always o’dark-thirty when I run). The deep philosophical question comes to mind. If there is no one around to hear the fart, did it really happen? I also have the fart thoughts when I walk my dogs. Whenever one of them farts, I say something like ‘oh Sam you stinky dog, that is so gross’, then I laugh because five minutes later I’m likely to be farting myself! I saved the best, or worst for last. I’m talking about the a$$plosion. I’m sure you’ve all had it. Its without a doubt the worst feeling on a run to feel like you are about to dump at any minute. First you just slow down and think where the nearest bathroom is, and calculate the time to get there. Then the feeling passes. But then its back, and now you have to stop and squeeze the butt cheek muscles tight until the feeling passes. And you get going again, now thinking maybe you might just have to use some poor souls beautiful landscaping as your toilet. Then it really hits, and you stop, squat down and pray that what you just felt in your shorts was just gas, and nothing else. Enough said.

You are supposed to be able to control this stuff by eating low fiber foods, timing your food intake before a workout. But even if you have what you think is a foolproof routine, it is never successful 100% of the time. Sometime your body just wants to remind you that it is in control, and not you.

I’m going to the pool again tonight, and we’ll see who is in control this time!